bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Still dying that you shit outside
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
