its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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