The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
