You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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