This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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