We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
