one word: firstdatebathroomanal
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
