so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize