Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
