I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
