Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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