dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
