she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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