it wasn't lemon gatorade
I think I won the penis lottery.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
