I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
BRING THE BAGELS
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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