I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
