Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
