I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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