Your dad touched me again.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
