So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
