I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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