Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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