I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
