I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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