Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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