my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
soo... how was my night?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
