One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
