Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
