Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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