okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
