I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
