I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
