is your mom at the bar?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
