My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
