At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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