I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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