You smell like stripper and shame
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
