So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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