maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You are the jesus of drinking
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
