I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
