she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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