This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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