you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
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