i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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