So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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