I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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