at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
