Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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