Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I see more hoeing in ur future
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