If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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