Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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