omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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