I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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