It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
