I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
