john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
