i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
