Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Actions speak louder than pants.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Randomize