So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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