I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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