had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
