My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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