Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
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