drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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