So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
