you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The power of my boobs compel you
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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