so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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