I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
